I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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