i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
