Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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