I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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