tell your sister to shave her snatch
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
