I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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