If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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