how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
