I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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