Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
