If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I wish you could order shots online.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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