I am midnight drunk by noon
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
