On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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