i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
