someone threw a dead crab at me
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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