they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
