Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
