I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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