A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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