Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Randomize
