Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
