just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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