im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
