weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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