we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
