i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
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