Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I think a kid would responsible me up
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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