I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Drake has all the answers
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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