shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
