Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I met the friendliest cop last night
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
