ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize