You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
