some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i was born a porn star she said
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize