We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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