She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
birth control should be required to get into college
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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