My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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