Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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