I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
