Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize