every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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