you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
