Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
