Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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