Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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