I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
