i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
