i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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