So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
