My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
