just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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