I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
