Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
