remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
