what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
