Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
she smelled like a LAN party
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Randomize
