The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
