my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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