I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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