why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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