i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
