i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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