i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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