if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
