one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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